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Captioning made possible
By mgm home entertainment
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Oliver: ♪ green acres
Is the place to be ♪
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♪ farm livin' is
The life for me ♪
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♪ land spreadin'
Out so far and wide ♪
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♪ keep manhattan, just
Give me that countryside ♪
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Lisa: ♪ new york ♪
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♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪
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♪ I get allergic ♪
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♪ smelling hay ♪
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♪ I just adore a
Penthouse view ♪
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♪ darling, I love you ♪
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♪ but give me park avenue ♪
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♪ the chores ♪
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♪ the stores ♪
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♪ fresh air ♪
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♪ times square ♪
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♪ you are my wife ♪
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♪ good-bye, city life ♪
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Both: ♪ green acres,
We are there ♪
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Ladies and gentlemen,
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I give you mr. Oliver
Wendell douglas.
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Thank you.
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Distinguished members
Of the supreme court,
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Mr. Governor, mr. Mayor,
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Members of the harvard
Alumni legal society,
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Mr. George jessel...
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Mr. Jessel isn't here.
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Oh. Ah. Well...
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Uh, for many years, I've
Practiced corporate law
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Here in the city of new york.
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Then, about 6 months ago,
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I prevailed upon my lovely wife
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To move to a farm
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In the beautiful
Hooterville valley.
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He didn't prevail me.
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He tricked me.
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Lisa, please.
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Well, no matter how I got there.
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At any rate, I settled down
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To become a farmer.
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I planted corn, I planted wheat,
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I bought an apple orchard.
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But I missed the
Practice of law.
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Yet he wouldn't move
Back to new york.
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Lisa...
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At any rate,
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A few weeks ago, I
Hung out my shingle.
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Well, I very soon found out
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That there's a vast difference
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Between the practice of
Corporate law and country law.
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My guest here at the
Speaker's table tonight,
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Arnold ziffel,
Is a case in point.
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I'd like to explain
Why arnold is here.
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You see, when
Mr. Smead called me...
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Oh, yes, yes,
Mr. Smead. I'd be glad to.
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Oh, I'd be honored.
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Oh, I'll be there.
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Yes, I'll be there,
Mr. Smead. Good-bye.
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Lisa!
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Lisa!
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Darling? Darling,
What's the matter?
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What's the matter?
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Nothing's the matter.
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We're going to new york.
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Oh! You sold the farm.
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Lisa...
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No, I have been invited
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To be the keynote speaker
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For the harvard
Alumni legal society.
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I can't go. Why not?
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Well, I haven't got
Anything to wear
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For the aluminum society.
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Alumni soci...
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You got a whole
Closet full of clothes.
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What about the yellow one?
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Yellow what?
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The yellow gown.
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Oh, yeah, that'll be fine.
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All right. I'll go buy one.
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Lisa, wear what you've got.
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But darling...
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No, no. Don't bother me anymore
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About your clothes.
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I've got to concentrate
On my speech.
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"Distinguished members
Of the supreme court,
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"Mr. Governor, mr. Mayor,
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"And members of the
Harvard alumni legal society,
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"George jessel,
Ladies and gentlemen,
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"It is indeed a great
Honor to have been chosen
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To talk to this annual
Meeting on the subject of..."
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00:04:02,141 --> 00:04:04,642
Darling? Darling,
Do you like it?
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Oh, yes. Ooh, that's
Very nice, yes.
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"On the sub..."
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00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:09,948
I can't wear it. Why not?
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I wore it once to
The el morocco,
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And everybody saw it.
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Oh, lisa. I'm sure the people
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That'll be at this banquet
Were not at el morocco
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The night you wore that dress.
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I can't take the chance.
It wouldn't be right
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For my husband making a speech
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In a gown everybody already saw.
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I'm not wearing the dress.
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Neither am I.
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"Distinguished
Members of the..."
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Mr. Douglas, it is I...
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Eb, your faithful hired hand.
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What do you want?
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How long are you gonna be
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At the aluminum meeting?
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Alumni.
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00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,721
We'll be in new york
For about a week,
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And I'm leaving you
In charge of the farm
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While we're away.
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Includin' tuesday?
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00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:54,727
Of course.
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That's my day off.
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Well, you can't have a
Day off while we're away.
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You can have 2 days
Off when we get back.
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Which 2 days?
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I don't know.
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00:05:03,570 --> 00:05:05,047
How about saturday and sunday?
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Fine.
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00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,317
Thursday and friday
Would be better.
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Ok. Thursday and friday.
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and saturday and sunday?
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No!
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How about tuesday?
That's my day off.
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Look, eb, I'm depending on you.
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Darling, do you like this one?
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I sure do!
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Since when are you
Called "Darling"?
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That's what my
Girlfriend calls me.
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This is the one I wore
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To the opening
Of the horse show,
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And nobody looked at the horses,
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Not even the other horses.
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Yes, I remember.
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00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,877
Oh, eb, will you look after
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Alice the chicken
While we are gone?
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00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:37,502
Yes, ma'am.
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00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,137
And bertrum, her
Chicken husband?
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00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:42,206
Her chicken husband?
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She means the
Rooster. You see...
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I know what she means!
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00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,179
Don't you worry. You
Just have a good time.
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00:05:48,247 --> 00:05:50,281
Oh, mr. Douglas, while
You're in new york,
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00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,183
Will you do me a favor
And call up my mother?
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00:05:52,251 --> 00:05:53,785
Your mother lives in new york?
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00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,353
No, she lives out here,
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00:05:55,421 --> 00:05:58,055
But she loves to get
Long distance calls.
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I don't care what you got.
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00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:02,972
You can't take arnold.
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00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,396
Fred, you owe haney money.
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00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:07,142
I don't owe him nothin'.
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00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:08,633
Well, the court says you do,
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00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,769
And they issued this
Here, uh, attachment thing
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For arnold.
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00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,272
Uh-uh. No, you can't take him.
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Arnold, get in the house.
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Get in the house.
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Keep out, keep out, keep out.
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Look, fred, I don't like haney
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Any more than you
Do, but I got a job to do.
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Well, do it someplace else.
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Fred, you're gonna
Get yourself in trouble.
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Now, I'm givin' you just
One hour to cool off,
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And then I'm comin'
Back and takin' arnold.
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Who turned on that tv set?
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Arnold.
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Fred, what are you gonna do?
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I'm gonna shoot haney.
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I'm not gonna let you do it.
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Well, what other way is there?
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The legal way.
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This is legal. I got a
License for this gun.
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I mean get a lawyer.
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Oh, a lawyer. I can shoot better
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Than any lawyer around here.
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00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:03,655
Why don't you go
See mr. Douglas?
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00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,401
Oh, lawyers. All
They do is talk.
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00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,224
Well, what I want is action.
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00:07:07,293 --> 00:07:09,204
Yeah, well, if you
Don't put that gun away,
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You'll get all the
Action you can handle.
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Doris, we've been
Married a long time,
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And this is the first time
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You've ever raised a hand to me.
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I'm just tryin' to save
You from doing something
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00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:21,017
You'll be sorry for
The rest of your life.
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00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,808
Well, why didn't you do
It before we got married?
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00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,878
Oh, that's very funny.
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00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,313
Maybe I should let
You shoot haney...
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And get arrested
And put in prison.
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Then I'd only have
To visit you weekends.
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Now, doris,
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You keep on talkin' that way,
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And our marriage just
Ain't gonna work out.
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I've got to get
That board fixed!
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00:07:49,769 --> 00:07:51,970
Darling, where is the trunk?
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00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:53,471
What do you need a trunk for?
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00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:54,872
We're only gonna
Be there a week.
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00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,886
Well, we can't check
Into the ritz plaza
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00:07:56,910 --> 00:07:58,253
With only 12 suitcases.
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00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:00,578
Everybody's going to
Think we're nobodies.
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00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,313
I don't care what they think.
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00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:06,117
They ain't home.
Let's go shoot haney.
207
00:08:06,185 --> 00:08:08,052
Knock again.
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00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,293
Oh, mr. And mrs. Ziffel.
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00:08:16,362 --> 00:08:17,561
Hi, mrs. Douglas.
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00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,897
Oh, hello, arnold.
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00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:22,433
Come in. Come right in.
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00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,036
Oh, come in, mrs.
Ziffel, mr. Ziffel.
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00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:26,337
Thank you.
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00:08:26,405 --> 00:08:30,141
There. How nice
To see you again.
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00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:32,744
Ohh! What a pretty hat.
216
00:08:32,812 --> 00:08:34,211
Thank you.
217
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,391
She wasn't talking to
You. She was talking to me.
218
00:08:36,415 --> 00:08:37,849
And take yours off.
219
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,050
Arnold.
220
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:41,085
Arnold, would you
Like to play with mignon?
221
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:45,089
Oh, mignon, there is
Someone here to see you.
222
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,364
Won't you sit down?
223
00:08:53,432 --> 00:08:55,867
No, mrs. Douglas,
This ain't a social call.
224
00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,513
We're here on legal business.
225
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,481
Yeah, we want to
Consult your husband.
226
00:08:59,505 --> 00:09:01,105
Oh. Oliver!
227
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:03,708
The ziffels are
Here to insult you.
228
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:08,146
Oh, how are you,
Mr. Ziffel, mrs. Ziffel?
229
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,825
Not very good, mr. Douglas.
230
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:11,315
No. What's the matter?
231
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:13,624
Darling, aren't you going
To say hello to arnold?
232
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:15,486
Huh? Oh, hello, arnold.
233
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,523
We need your legal advice.
234
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:20,524
What's your problem?
235
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:21,893
Well, the problem is,
236
00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,527
I want to shoot haney,
237
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:24,829
And doris won't let me.
238
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:27,498
Shoot haney?
239
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,078
Oh, he ain't gonna do it.
240
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,434
I ought to, though.
241
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:33,004
He's got a legal paper
To attach arnold.
242
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,139
Oh, now, mr. Ziffel,
243
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,608
Wouldn't it be kind of
Foolish to shoot mr. Haney
244
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,143
Just because of a pig?
245
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,611
Well, now, mr. Douglas,
246
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,580
He might be a pig to you,
247
00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:45,083
But to us, he's just
Like one of the family.
248
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:46,584
In fact, if we had a son,
249
00:09:46,652 --> 00:09:48,412
We'd want him to
Be just like arnold.
250
00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:51,155
Yeah, he's got good manners,
251
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,690
And he's clean.
252
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:55,526
He's such a comfort to us.
253
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,061
Yeah, mr. Douglas,
254
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:58,529
He's a good pig.
255
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,164
He just sits there all day
256
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,565
And watches television.
257
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:02,912
Don't even bother us
258
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,513
To turn it on for him.
259
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,604
Are you trying to tell
Me that arnold can...
260
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,974
What's that?
261
00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:24,255
Now, arnold, nobody
Gave you permission
262
00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:25,923
To turn on the douglas' set.
263
00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:29,460
Oh, that's all
Right, mr. Ziffel.
264
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:31,896
No, it's not.
Arnold, turn it off.
265
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,365
No, I'll turn it off.
266
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,574
You are gonna help us,
Aren't you, mr. Douglas?
267
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,576
Why did mr. Haney attach arnold?
268
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,579
Well, he claims I owe him $122.
269
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,381
He must've gotten a
Judgment against you.
270
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:51,526
I don't care what he got.
271
00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:52,895
I don't owe him the money.
272
00:10:52,919 --> 00:10:54,585
Yeah, we bought
This sofa from him,
273
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,521
And the first time I
Sat on it, it fell apart.
274
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,791
I bought a few things
From mr. Haney myself.
275
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:02,326
Yes, like the farm, the house,
276
00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:04,039
The tractor, the cows...
277
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,729
I know what I bought.
278
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:08,666
Then why don't we sue him?
279
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:10,935
Isn't there anything
We can do, mr. Douglas?
280
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,303
We can appeal.
281
00:11:12,371 --> 00:11:14,283
And as soon as I get
Back from new york...
282
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,773
Oh, we can't wait.
283
00:11:15,842 --> 00:11:18,120
If haney ever gets
His hands on arnold,
284
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:19,984
Krrrr! Links on a dish.
285
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:23,681
Oh, fred, don't say that.
286
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:25,327
Darling, you must do something.
287
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,483
But we're leaving.
288
00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:29,187
Not until you do something.
289
00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,555
All right.
290
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,724
I'll go over and I'll
Talk to mr. Haney.
291
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,494
You're welcome, arnold.
292
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,998
Oh, don't worry.
293
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,427
My husband will
Get your son the pig
294
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:46,070
Out of trouble
In no time at all.
295
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,487
Uh, just a minute.
296
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:10,461
Come in.
297
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,865
Well, mr. Douglas.
298
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:14,866
Mr. Haney.
299
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:16,912
Mr. Douglas, how would you like
300
00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:19,803
To buy a genuine wormwood table?
301
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,005
No, thank you.
302
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,306
It's all handmade
303
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:25,309
By genuine peruvian worms.
304
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,610
I'm not interested.
305
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,846
I know what you're looking for.
306
00:12:28,915 --> 00:12:32,516
This beautiful giant egg slicer.
307
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,586
That's a harp.
308
00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:37,788
Correct. An egg slicer harp,
309
00:12:37,857 --> 00:12:40,925
Made personal by
Horace egg slicer,
310
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:43,961
The last of the
Great harp makers.
311
00:12:44,030 --> 00:12:47,365
Mr. Haney, I'm here
On a legal matter.
312
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:50,201
Be glad to give
You any advice I can.
313
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,936
Now, you just sit down
314
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,705
In this genuine
Antique rocking chair.
315
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,285
I don't want to sit down...
316
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,776
You know, you're
The first person
317
00:12:58,844 --> 00:13:01,979
That's sat in that chair
Since whistler's mother.
318
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,180
Mr. Haney,
319
00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:05,060
I want to talk to
You about arnold.
320
00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:06,350
What about him?
321
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:07,863
I don't think it was right
For you to attach him.
322
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:10,521
Well, that's just a
Matter of opinion.
323
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:14,158
I sold fred ziffel a
Sofa in good faith.
324
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,193
He didn't pay me in good faith,
325
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,695
So I attached
Arnold in good faith.
326
00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:20,731
So you can see the
Whole thing happened
327
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,300
In good faith.
328
00:13:22,368 --> 00:13:24,335
I don't consider it good faith
329
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:26,670
To attach a man's
Most prized possession.
330
00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:29,640
Well, now, that sofa
Was pretty prized.
331
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:33,044
It was a genuine duncan p-phyfe.
332
00:13:33,112 --> 00:13:35,046
Oh, come on.
333
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,014
Mr. Haney, I think
334
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,194
You misrepresented
That sofa to mr. Ziffel,
335
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:40,862
And I'm going to advise him
336
00:13:40,886 --> 00:13:43,120
To bring suit against
You for fraud.
337
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:45,677
Mr. Douglas,
338
00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:47,403
Do you know what you did?
339
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,771
You destroyed an irreplaceable
340
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:51,440
Piece of antiquity.
341
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,397
Oh. They were loose.
342
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:54,743
They didn't come off
343
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:57,534
When whistler's mother stood up.
344
00:13:57,603 --> 00:13:59,903
You owe me $145.
345
00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,738
You can glue 'em back on!
346
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:03,274
They're unglueable.
347
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,509
$145.
348
00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,278
I don't owe you a thing!
349
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,014
Oh! You just killed
350
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:13,084
16 of my best peruvian worms!
351
00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:15,386
I'll have to add another $12
352
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,054
To the 145.
353
00:14:17,123 --> 00:14:19,101
Now, if you want to
Make me out a check...
354
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,058
I don't want to
Make you out a thing.
355
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:22,994
Good-bye, mr. Haney!
356
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,567
Fred, where's arnold?
357
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:31,947
I ain't gonna tell ya.
358
00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:33,437
Mr. Ziffel,
359
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,806
You've got to turn
Arnold over to the sheriff.
360
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,808
Otherwise, you'll be
In contempt of court.
361
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,688
Yeah, you'd better
Listen to mr. Douglas.
362
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,678
Now, is arnold in
The house there?
363
00:14:41,747 --> 00:14:42,987
I ain't sayin'.
364
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,860
All right. I'll go in
And see for myself.
365
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,917
Just a minute. You
Have a search warrant?
366
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,852
A sear... What's that?
367
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:52,456
Well, that's a warrant
To search the premises.
368
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,935
Is he makin' that up, fred?
369
00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,326
I don't know.
370
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,972
I don't think so, though.
371
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:59,330
He went to that fancy
Law school... Hartford.
372
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:00,331
I never heard of it.
373
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,899
It's harvard.
374
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:04,435
I never heard of that, either.
375
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,203
Look, mr. Ziffel,
I've got to leave.
376
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:08,005
Now, you turn arnold
Over to the sheriff,
377
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,306
And when I come back,
378
00:15:09,375 --> 00:15:11,242
We'll settle this whole
Thing with mr. Haney.
379
00:15:11,310 --> 00:15:13,010
Good-bye.
380
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,978
Fred, uh,
381
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,248
Is he a little... Tetched?
382
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,616
No, he's just a city fella.
383
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:21,552
Oh.
384
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:24,866
So, I told mr. Ziffel
To turn the pig over
385
00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:26,402
To the sheriff, but he refused.
386
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,792
I don't blame him
For hiding arnold.
387
00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:30,406
I didn't say he hid him.
388
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,862
Well, somebody said it.
389
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,097
You said it.
390
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:35,533
I did? Oh, that's where
I must've heard it.
391
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:37,768
Lisa...
392
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,648
Do you know where arnold is?
393
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,138
How should I know?
394
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:42,306
I don't know.
395
00:15:42,375 --> 00:15:44,319
I just thought maybe you might.
396
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,056
What's that?
397
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,479
I didn't hear anything.
398
00:15:49,748 --> 00:15:52,049
Lisa, I...
399
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:54,218
I didn't hear it again.
400
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,987
All right, lisa,
401
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,322
Where is he?
402
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,224
Where is who? Arnold.
403
00:16:02,761 --> 00:16:04,661
What's he doing here?
404
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,029
Who?
405
00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:08,433
Him.
406
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:13,104
Oh, what a pretty
Little pussycat.
407
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:14,950
The sheriff is looking for him.
408
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,318
You're harboring a fugitive.
409
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:17,874
What are you going to do?
410
00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:19,721
I'm going to tell the
Sheriff where he is.
411
00:16:19,745 --> 00:16:20,777
You're a fink.
412
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:26,783
What?
413
00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:28,919
I heard it on television.
414
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,455
You see, there was
This gangster in chicago
415
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,790
Who was being
Chased by eliot mess.
416
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:35,025
Eliot mess.
417
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:36,960
Yes, and then this other fellow
418
00:16:37,029 --> 00:16:39,130
Told mr. Mess where
The gangster was,
419
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,198
And his friend
Called him a fink.
420
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,000
Now, if you tell
It to the sheriff,
421
00:16:43,068 --> 00:16:44,335
You're one of them.
422
00:16:44,403 --> 00:16:46,737
Lisa, I'm an officer
Of the court.
423
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:48,750
I am duty bound to turn him in.
424
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,941
How can you do
This to the ziffels?
425
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,943
Their only son.
426
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,579
Look, he's not a
Person. He's a a pig.
427
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,748
A pig is a person
To another pig.
428
00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:58,915
Lisa...
429
00:16:58,984 --> 00:17:01,152
Now, if I were a pig,
And you were a pig,
430
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,820
I would be a person
To you, and vice versa.
431
00:17:03,889 --> 00:17:05,989
I am not a pig!
432
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,259
No, you're a fink.
433
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,429
Whatever I am,
434
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:14,298
I have to turn him in.
435
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,034
Arnold...
436
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:18,502
Here, boy.
437
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:21,138
Come here, arnold.
That's the stuff.
438
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,640
Suey! Suey!
439
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:25,776
Arnold?
440
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:29,913
Arnold, come on.
441
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:32,650
Come out of there.
442
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:33,795
Go back, arnold.
443
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:35,297
Arnold! Come on,
Arnold. Come on.
444
00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:37,054
Don't do it!
445
00:17:37,122 --> 00:17:38,922
Lisa, you're
Compounding a felony.
446
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:40,658
Come on.
447
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,459
Arnold, come on.
448
00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,894
Arnold, co...
449
00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:47,398
Ow!
450
00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:50,434
Arnold! Where are you?
451
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,602
Arnold!
452
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,820
Come on, arnold, where...
453
00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:59,510
Arnold, come here.
454
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,212
Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.
455
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,415
Arnold.
456
00:18:04,483 --> 00:18:05,616
Arnold?
457
00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,117
Did you find him?
458
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:08,297
Oliver: arnold, come on.
459
00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:12,022
Arnold? Arnold?
460
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,824
He's gone.
461
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:22,966
Lisa!
462
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,346
What's the matter?
463
00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:25,969
I'm stuck!
464
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,115
You're being punished
465
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,750
For being mean to arnold.
466
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,474
Who's punishing me?
467
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:34,177
Well, I don't want
To mention any names.
468
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,146
Get eb!
469
00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:38,949
All right. Now, don't go away!
470
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,721
Ow! Ohh!
471
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:45,623
Did you say something?
472
00:18:45,691 --> 00:18:47,836
Yeah, will you
Get off the board?
473
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,338
You're standing on my head!
474
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:51,562
Oh! Oh! Now, stay there.
475
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,297
I'll be right back.
476
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,407
Eb?
477
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:04,808
Oh, mr. Kimball.
478
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:07,021
Hell, mrs. Douglas. Is
Mr. Douglas around?
479
00:19:07,045 --> 00:19:09,413
Yes, he's under the house. Eb!
480
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,526
Oh, well, if he's busy,
I'll come back tomorrow.
481
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,027
No, I can't come back tomorrow.
482
00:19:13,051 --> 00:19:14,829
I'm busy tomorrow...
Doing all the things
483
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:16,965
I forgot to do today.
Heh. Whatever they are.
484
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:19,189
He is not busy. He's
Stuck under the house.
485
00:19:19,258 --> 00:19:20,957
Where is that eb?
486
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:22,125
Stuck, huh?
487
00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:24,072
Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
488
00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:26,263
I guess I could say it.
489
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,531
I'm surprised.
490
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,645
I don't know why I
Said I couldn't say it.
491
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,368
Mr. Kimball, will
You please go in
492
00:19:31,437 --> 00:19:33,604
And see if you can help
Him? And I'll go and find eb.
493
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,306
Oh, be glad to. Eb!
494
00:19:38,644 --> 00:19:39,777
Lisa!
495
00:19:39,845 --> 00:19:41,445
Mr. Douglas?
496
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:45,215
Ow! Ow!
497
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:46,684
Oh, there you are.
498
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:48,585
You know you got
A loose board here?
499
00:19:49,988 --> 00:19:50,988
Mm!
500
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:53,390
Uhh! Cut that out, will ya?!
501
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:54,925
Get me out of here!
502
00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:56,727
Right away. You ought to get
503
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:58,476
This thing fixed before
Somebody gets hurt.
504
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,933
Well...
505
00:20:04,236 --> 00:20:05,396
How are we doing?
506
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,771
We're not doing good at all!
507
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,873
Can you help me get out of here?
508
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,041
Of where?
509
00:20:11,109 --> 00:20:13,229
Oh. Heh. You mean out of here.
510
00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:15,056
I thought I gave you
All those pamphlets
511
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,591
On safety first around the farm.
512
00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:17,959
Now, if you'd have read them,
513
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:19,661
You wouldn't have
Fallen in the bathtub?
514
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:22,252
I didn't fall in the bathtub!
515
00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:23,787
Oliver! I got eb...
516
00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:25,456
Ohh!
517
00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:30,060
Don't worry, mr. Douglas.
I'll get you out.
518
00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:31,729
Oh! Ohh!
519
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,813
I think I know how
To do it, mr. Douglas.
520
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,614
I'll crawl under
And grab your legs,
521
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,516
Then mr. Kimball
Can grab my legs
522
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:42,773
And pull us both out.
523
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:45,275
Well, that sounds
Like a very sensible pl...
524
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:47,077
Well, not a sensible...
525
00:20:47,145 --> 00:20:49,446
Well, why don't we try it?
526
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:55,318
Eb: ok, I've got his legs!
527
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:57,153
Start pullin'!
528
00:20:57,222 --> 00:20:58,522
All right, pull!
529
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,090
Get... Ooh!
530
00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:06,730
You only got half of him!
531
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:09,299
Darling, maybe... Oliver!
532
00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:10,579
You're wearing those terrible
533
00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:12,969
Polka dot shorts I don't like!
534
00:21:13,038 --> 00:21:14,938
Ohh.
535
00:21:15,007 --> 00:21:17,974
I've got it. The
Fire department.
536
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:26,617
Stop your sireen!
537
00:21:29,187 --> 00:21:30,788
Stop your bell!
538
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:40,564
In the bedroom!
539
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,998
The bedroom, men!
540
00:21:46,539 --> 00:21:48,505
The fire department's here.
541
00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:50,814
Better put your pants on!
542
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,109
Oh, mr. Haney, good to see you.
543
00:21:53,178 --> 00:21:54,578
Well, it's not good to see you.
544
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:56,157
Never mind that!
Where's the fire?
545
00:21:56,181 --> 00:21:57,815
Fire? Oh, it's under
The floor there!
546
00:21:57,883 --> 00:21:59,716
More hose!
547
00:21:59,785 --> 00:22:00,918
No, no! No, no!
548
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,052
Pressure!
549
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:03,120
No, mr. Haney!
550
00:22:07,292 --> 00:22:09,125
Hey, ya fathead!
551
00:22:09,194 --> 00:22:11,194
Turn that water off!
552
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:12,629
You idiot!
553
00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:19,035
Distinguished members
Of the supreme court,
554
00:22:19,104 --> 00:22:20,104
Mr. Governor...
555
00:22:21,206 --> 00:22:22,206
Come in!
556
00:22:24,710 --> 00:22:26,176
Here's your trunk, mr. Douglas.
557
00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:28,444
Oliver: yes, put it right there.
558
00:22:29,949 --> 00:22:31,392
There you are. Thank you.
559
00:22:31,416 --> 00:22:32,483
Thank you.
560
00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:36,553
Distinguished members
Of the supreme court...
561
00:22:36,622 --> 00:22:38,989
Darling, how do
You like my gown?
562
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,123
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
563
00:22:40,192 --> 00:22:41,192
Uh, disting...
564
00:22:41,259 --> 00:22:42,437
How do you like my shoes?
565
00:22:42,461 --> 00:22:43,461
Uh...
566
00:22:47,366 --> 00:22:48,665
Lovely, lovely.
567
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:50,411
Look, could you let me go
Over my speech once more?
568
00:22:50,435 --> 00:22:51,913
I'd like to make sure
I've got the thing pat.
569
00:22:51,937 --> 00:22:54,304
Distinguished members
Of the supreme court,
570
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,106
Mr. Governor...
571
00:22:56,174 --> 00:22:57,608
What'd you say?
572
00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,075
I didn't say anything.
573
00:22:59,144 --> 00:23:00,522
I thought you said something.
574
00:23:00,546 --> 00:23:02,791
Distinguished members
Of the supreme court,
575
00:23:02,815 --> 00:23:03,914
Mr. Governor...
576
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:07,050
You said it again.
577
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:09,753
I didn't say it.
The trunk said it.
578
00:23:09,822 --> 00:23:11,287
The trunk?
579
00:23:16,294 --> 00:23:17,305
Arnold! You're...
580
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:19,073
Lisa, did you put...
581
00:23:19,097 --> 00:23:20,463
No, it was his idea.
582
00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:21,643
What are we gonna do?
583
00:23:21,667 --> 00:23:23,467
We can't keep him in a hotel...
584
00:23:24,670 --> 00:23:26,014
Arnold, get out of there!
585
00:23:26,038 --> 00:23:27,905
Get out from under... Arnold!
586
00:23:29,207 --> 00:23:30,340
Arnold!
587
00:23:31,710 --> 00:23:34,244
Now, come on, arnold.
Come on, that's a good...
588
00:23:34,312 --> 00:23:35,378
Hello?
589
00:23:35,447 --> 00:23:37,581
Oh, hello, mr. Smead.
590
00:23:37,650 --> 00:23:39,750
Oh, I'll see if I can get him.
591
00:23:39,818 --> 00:23:42,185
He's under the
Bed, talking to a pig.
592
00:23:43,288 --> 00:23:45,288
What'd you have
To tell him that for?
593
00:23:45,357 --> 00:23:47,925
Oh, he'll be right
Here. Hold on.
594
00:23:47,993 --> 00:23:50,894
Hello, mr. Smead.
595
00:23:50,963 --> 00:23:53,764
Yes, I know what she said, yes.
596
00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:55,866
Well, when we opened the trunk,
597
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:57,968
Uh, we found arnold inside.
598
00:23:58,037 --> 00:24:00,470
Arnold... That's the pig's name.
599
00:24:00,539 --> 00:24:02,839
Yes. Arnold. Yes,
Well, he's the son
600
00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:04,841
Of a friend of ours, and...
601
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:07,544
Well, he's not their
Son. No, he's a... He's a...
602
00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:08,545
He's a...
603
00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:10,914
Well, he's a very
Unusual pig. He...
604
00:24:15,353 --> 00:24:18,188
Arnold, turn off that tv.
605
00:24:18,256 --> 00:24:20,724
Heh, arnold loves
To turn on the tv.
606
00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:22,192
He...
607
00:24:22,260 --> 00:24:24,861
Yes, he's a pig. He...
608
00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:27,130
Who's stoned?!
609
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:29,165
If that's the way
You feel about it,
610
00:24:29,234 --> 00:24:31,001
I'll bring him along with me!
611
00:24:31,070 --> 00:24:32,469
Yes.
612
00:24:32,537 --> 00:24:34,182
And that, ladies and gentlemen.
613
00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:36,272
Is why we brought arnold
Ziffel with us tonight.
614
00:24:36,341 --> 00:24:39,342
As you can see, arn...
615
00:24:39,411 --> 00:24:41,177
Arnold, where
Did you get that...
616
00:24:41,246 --> 00:24:43,446
Oh, they met in the bar.
617
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:46,249
In the bar?
618
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:47,729
Oh, it's perfectly all right.
619
00:24:47,753 --> 00:24:50,186
Her mother introduced them.
620
00:25:03,102 --> 00:25:06,069
Captioning made possible
By mgm home entertainment
621
00:25:09,008 --> 00:25:12,008
Captioned by the national
Captioning institute... Www.Ncicap.Org...